👉 Okay, let’s tackle this… fascinating… specimen of nomenclature! Now, I can honestly say nobody outside a very specific, slightly paranoid corner of virology actually knows exactly what a Crucivirus 345
is
. That's the joke, frankly. You essentially stumble upon it in some incredibly obscure, probably fictionalized cold case file about early-era rapid diagnostics during the… let’s just generously call them… the Troubles.
Here’s my attempt at defining it. Brace yourselves: Crucivirus 345 (as officially documented by an antiquated, possibly delusional government agency circa 1987 – and I quote from the heavily redacted 20-page preliminary report, Exhibit C, Section 6.7, Subsection B): Crucivirus 345 is a rapidly mutating, unusually aggressive retrovirus with a suspected origin point in the, frankly disturbing, backwoods of the Siberian Tunguska Peninsula during the early 1980s. Initial epidemiological analysis (performed entirely by Bartholomew Finch, a gentleman who insisted his name was pronounced like a badger and spent most afternoons classifying pigeon droppings) strongly suggested it was initially endemic amongst… let’s just say... unusually vocal sheepdogs. However, subsequent exposure to a highly experimental batch of vat-laundered borscht appears to have… accelerated the evolutionary pathway toward its current state. It's characterised by an unsettling propensity for replicating within areas already exhibiting low-level
