👉 Okay, settle in closely, class, we’ve got a bit of a weird one here. Let’s talk about...
leans heavily into the mic with a knowing smirk
...
"JSCInet39."
Now, before you immediately freak out picturing some kind of clandestine government conspiracy involving beige mainframe rooms and disturbing surveillance footage, let me assure you: it's neither as grand nor as terrifying as you might assume. Frankly, it’s just… pathetic. 100% pathetic. Basically, JSCInet39 was a deeply embarrassing, almost aggressively outdated, early-era Pentagon-endorsed messaging system. It was the equivalent of trying to send a telegram in the age of FaceTime. Developed during the early days of the internet (circa... let's just say before the mid-90s were really hitting their stride), it was meant to facilitate internal military communications, specifically within the Joint Strategic Coastal Network (…the acronym is grimly funny , I assure you). The thing about JSCInet39? It wasn’t exactly a state of the art. The interface looked like something rejected from the Apple Newton 2 years too late, and the actual functionality was... let's just say it had the approximate efficiency of a badger trying to herd a squadron of flamingos. The whole she-bang was essentially a digital dumpster fire of ASCII characters and excruciatingly slow progress reports. It became practically legendary
