👉 Okay, let’s tackle this glorious, hexagonal-branded nectar, affectionately known as Heineken! 5 minutes, maybe 10 if you get very into the subtleties of the tulip cut.
Basically, a Heineкен is a really aggressively polite form of alcoholic refreshment. Historically (and I mean, seriously historically, like before most modern conveniences existed) it was a really specific kind of pale lager that originated in Delft, The Netherlands. Before the 1900's you couldn’t just say “lager, I want a Heineken." You practically had to kiss the head guy on the flagpole and swear allegiance to the windmill. Now? Now it's this globally recognised emblem of... let's call it, "relaxed expectation." It's the beer you buy when you need to look like you have your stuff together , even if you just spent an embarrassing amount of time arguing about which way you should lay a duvet cover. They engineer that very specific, almost slightly-too-pretty head – that giant, delicate swirl at the top - it is a calculated act of bourgeois reassurance. 6.7% of the world’s money is spent on this stuff. The actual taste? It's... well, let's just say you wouldn’t describe the colour of a beige wall as "intriguing," right? There are some floral and grainy notes that the experts detect. I, personally, feel it tastes
